Thursday, June 2, 2011

Thinkin out loud...

I've always been hesitant about people putting everything out there for the world to read on the internet but today I realized that when I want to find someone who feels the same way I sometimes read blogs for solace. This way I don't have to weigh down the people in my life with my small venting problems. Now, I'm not saying to put your whole life out there. There is a limit in my mind but today I'm putting a little something out there in case there is someone who wants relief that someone else is feeling the same way. However, this problem has gotten so bad that I have vented to the people in my life about this... and it needs a changin!

I woke up this morning and just laid in bed starring at the wall. This time every morning I usually have to run through a list of reason in my head of how my job isn't that bad and it could be worse. But today I looked at the wall and just couldn't do it.

I live a privileged life compared to a lot of people and I feel guilty disliking most of my everyday life. I have a college education. I have loves & interest outside of work that I am grateful for. I have goals that I work hard to reach. But one's job makes up most of their day and I feel I have a duty to find a job I love regardless of it's the job I want. For example the job I would love is to work in an art department but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy somewhere else. (Some may cringe when I say this but...) Take my server position at Texas Roadhouse. I have had quite a few serving jobs and I hate them but my time at this restaurant was different. There was more about the job I enjoyed (mainly my co-workers) than what I hated about serving (I worked LOTS of overtime.) I guess I can't really explain it but there were more things working that made it a plus and it overshadowed the bad.

Now, I have a steady, decent paying, good benefits job for my low raking position (even though I barely pay my bills.) I've worked at worse jobs and the people at my current post are nice (even if it does feel like high school sometimes.) But here's the thing, going there everyday is something I DREAD. I don't want to dread going to work and struggle to get through a day. I want to wake up and be okay with going to work regardless of the stresses that may fall on me. I just don't feel it where I am now and everyday it seems to get worse no matter how much I try to tell myself it's not that bad. It makes me want to close people off and hibernate. I don't want to be the closed off, depressed one in the office but that's what I feel like inside even though I have to be happy & social on the outside. Maybe I just get depressed because I've felt what it's like to enjoy going to work and I want to feel that again. Nothing against where I am now, it's just not working for me.

Now, the real question is how I pull myself out so I don't have to pretend anymore. I have been taking steps for quite sometime but now it needs to happen more than ever. I just have to take that leap.

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