Friday, December 9, 2011
Today I had to hold my tears back all through my 50 min train ride & walk home. I knew I was going to explode with emotion soon its just the when is it going to happen that is the surprise. A lot of things made this trip home a thoughtful one.
The events of today... 1) I watched a video online (again) that fills me with joy. Its of a little girl brought to tears of pure joy when she finds out that she gets to go to DisneyWorld. 2) I don't handle the thought of death well and I kept thinking today about how a co-worker/friend is feeling today after losing his father. (I can't even fathom that and usually start to get teary-eyed when I do). 3) I am quick tempered (well internally) and today I was boiling with anger as a co-worker yet again threw another person "under the bus" and avoided any blame as usual but I couldn't do anything because I wasn't supposed to know about the situation. 4) This is really what got me to my emotional tipping point. Today as I was leaving work I was walking down a semi back street that I usual see a couple homeless people on everyday. But today as I walked past one he had a suitcase open. As I glanced over I saw him taking pajamas out and nicely folding a tweed suit jacket and laying it delicately over a pile of also nicely folded clothes. My heart sank. I continued to walk and I was at the end of the block when I thought about running back up the hill and giving him a dollar. I pass quite a few homeless people everyday but for some reason I just found myself wondering about this particular guys situation and was compelled to give him something. I only had a 5 dollar bill in my wallet and I shoved it back in my wallet thinking that I didn't have any 1's. As I crossed the bridge I started asking myself why couldn't I have parted with that 5 dollar bill because he probably could use it more than me. How could I be so selfish. I wanted to cry and yet I still didn't turn around because I had to catch my train. I know nothing about him but because I felt a pulling on my soul to give him that 5 and I didn't I keep getting so mad at myself. Even if nothing would have changed in that mans life because I gave him 5 dollars isn't the point. The fact that the Universe or God or whatever I believe was telling me to do something for whatever reason and I didn't listen to that inner self makes me upset.
I have about a 50 minute train ride and walk home and I got to thinking even more about all the things that were making me an inner emotional mess today. I know that I have little money so I try very hard not to part with it but do I really NEED anything. I just think about all the things I want and get down on myself. I could have parted with those 5 dollars because I will always have everything I need. I am amazingly blessed to always know my family will always be there if for some reason I didn't have the basics in life. Everything else is non-important and I get to focused on it.
When thinking of the person and incident that made me so upset today at work I started thinking about how I will never be like that. My blood was so hot about how I could take this person down so people could see their true colors (in the end everyones true self is revealed at some point) But then got upset with myself because even if its not in the same context as the current incident I know I have done my share of put downs, spreading hurtful gossip and just general mean & negative things. Maybe I was meant to know what happened today not to warn others about this persons deceitfulness but to open my eyes to how I treat other people and not let myself become like that person I was so upset with.
Thinking about my co-worker/friend's loss made me miss my family more than I already am but it also made me so grateful that at that moment I knew my family was safe & well and of coarse that made me cry too.... to think that not everyone was that lucky right now. As I walked I did something that I hadn't done in a long time... it kinda just flowed right out of me. I lifted up my thoughts of gratitude not need. I lifted up my thoughts of comfort not for me but for the people hurting tonight. No matter how big or small their hurting I wanted them to feel some sort of comfort tonight. I cry because I am fine and I hate that others are not tonight. I get worked up over the small stuff in my life that I forget about the bigger picture.
I think about the little girl in the video that is just so happy she is brought to tears. It's such a simple joy she is feeling and I want everyone to feel that so badly. I became so overwhelmed and thankful that the moment I walked through my door I just let out tears of great emotion. Those tears brought me so much peace that I haven't felt for awhile. It was a peace in letting myself feel for others again knowing I haven't lost hope and I don't have to close away my emotions and become cold, bitter, stressed & selfish. I just have to allow things to come to me and gain perspective once in awhile.
I know this was a lot of rambling and (kinda) stream of consciousness that is probably hard to follow if you even made it to the end of this. But this was more for myself and getting my thoughts out of my head even if it is on a public forum.
My walk tonight and my emotional overload (or release) may have been just the thing to make me change my perspective on myself and my actions that have become very skewed from the person I once was. There are a few moments in my life that will always be a regret. Things that I felt pulled to do and I did nothing. The image of that man folding his clean suit jacket and having to sleep on the sleeping bag that was rolled out will play through my mind for a long time... and the fact that I did not do what I felt compelled to do will stay with me. The fact that I saw glimpses of the person I could change into if I don't stop my ways now. The joy & gratitude I used to feel in my everyday life. I just have to hope that I will be strong enough to hold onto these thoughts and not only get back to the person I was but the person I want to become.